When I was younger, I thought death wasn't a big deal. I had lost my Papu and Great Grandma, and it had no affect on my life. I didn't think anything of it. I saw how my mom cried over her dad, and I felt bad, but only because my mom was crying and because my mom was sad.

But then JT died. It happened back in October and still hurts so much. I had a dream last night about him. I was at a school with JT and the classroom kept changing but we were always together. I tried to stop and talk to him about not doing this, I tried to save him. But every time I went to talk to him, something would happen. I got so close so many times. And then, in the dream, I got kicked out of school. I waited at his house (which isn't his house in real life) for him to come home. Then his brother (that he doesn't really have) came home and I asked him to find JT for me so I could talk to him. That it was an emergency. But he just ignored me. I finally broke down and cried. And I woke up, and began crying. Just to dream about him, to have him there in front of me (even if it wasn't really real) hurt so badly, and was such a tease for the real thing, the amazing boy I once knew. I just wanted to stop him from doing this. I constantly wonder why. He doesn't leave my mind for more than a few hours at a time. And even if I'm not thinking about him at that moment, he's lingering in the back of my mind, waiting to pop up. To either make me laugh at the jokes or to mourn the loss.

I was crying so hard that my mom came in my room to comfort me. She tried to say that my dream was my mind saying that it meant this was his destiny, that nothing I could've done would've saved him. I can't believe that to be true. It isn't true.

Suicide is probably the most painful way to lose someone. He did this to himself, he could've been stopped. Something in his life made him feel that this was necessary. And being a part of his life, you feel like it was your responsibility to help him see that he was the most amazing person any of us have ever known. I know I would've done anything to save him, and the same goes for everyone he knew.

Every so often I get in this funk where he's all I think about, and I can't help but cry and wish I could save him. Its such a shame that all these horrible people live in this world, but someone who was so nice to everyone he knew had to leave. I sometimes wish I could talk to him and tell him he's loved, but I can't. Its so hard to keep these things contained, I suppose thats why I'm writing about him now. Just to let it all out.

April 4, 1991 - October 3, 2008.