funniest.

ilyad:
scene kids
onthe block
count a bunchof heads
american food makes me sick
i think its fly when girls jump high in the mosh pit
in th em osh pit
i like girls who wear have heart shirts

11:52pmKristin
ahahahhaahahhhaahahhahahhaahha

11:52pmilyad
id take her if i had one wish

yea.

Tomorrow: working and then hanging with rachel.
Thursday: hanging with nathan and his friends, then he's staying the night.
Friday: taking nate to the airport, working, then woods exploring with kurt.

Break is already working out to be fun. I can't wait to see my friends again, and make things okay with people who say "k2s disappeared". I am excited.

Seriously

This album will get me through anything, always. When I'm freaking out, I just pop this in and my worries disappear... well, almost. But with catchy, upbeat tunes even the darkest winter days get better. It got me through last year and, as I've said before, its guaranteed to get me through this one. This winter already looks like it'll be tough, and this album is already set to repeat.

If you don't have it downloaded, I suggest you do so.

Here.

Its not even winter officially, and I already find myself longing for the warmth of the summer sun. Longing for the bliss of the relaxing summer days. I need it back already.

Complaints

I'm feeling horribly sick and have been all day. Nathan, being the amazing boyfriend he is, took care of me most of the day (til I had to leave for Richmond). I have to say, this is the best thing happening to me right now. To have someone caring about me just as much as I care for them and for everything to be running smoothly is the best feeling.

But I do have some complaints. Not for Nathan, but for my friends. Its annoying how immature everyone is. How a simple facebook joke can turn into people deleting others and getting upset.

Nathan and I posted each other's statuses the other day, joking around. They were mushy and obnoxious and we know it. Of course my "friends" had to go make their little comments, which we expected, but it ended up going too far in my opinion. Its annoying how hateful all of my friends are sometimes. When things aren't going right in their lives, they have to rain on mine. Or how when they have nothing better going on they have to try and bring others down. Or hate on something that I care about. Its hard to sit here and think that these people are my friends.

Sometimes I really do wonder why I am friends with some of these people. People who think its okay to constantly make fun of each other as if its what you're supposed to do in a friendship. And since they're your "friend", they know the things to pick on. I hate that my personal life gets thrown out into the public for everyone to know and becomes a big joke. I hate that everyone thinks its okay to say shit to me, but when I say something back I become a bitch and people think I'm being ridiculous. I hate how people use me not talking to them and facebook fights as a reason to not consider me a friend?

I'm tired of doing all the work for friendships. I'm tired of being the butt of the jokes just because I'm a girl and because I won't say anything. I'm tired of friends taking advantage of me. I'm tired of accepting the immature shit from everyone. I've tried to be nicer over the past year or so and have always been the type of person to avoid conflict with friends because I dislike it so much but I've really had enough.

/rant.

Black and White.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it'd be like to not have roommates, to not have to share anything and to live by myself. I've thought about this for years, its something that I want greatly, and have wanted. I think if I had a place it would be calm and relaxing and cleanly.

I want a black and white living room. Plain and simple and sophisticated and artistic.

Black and white bedrooms.

Black and white bathrooms.

Black and white kitchen.

Black and white dining room.

Are you noticing a trend? Maybe a few splashed of color here and there. But I just want plain, simple and sophisticated. There will be candles everywhere (B&W?). There will be a black and/or white cat roaming as he pleases. There will be chandeliers, because nothing says sophisticated like a chandelier. I want black and white photographs and paintings gracing the walls.

I JUST WANT TO GROW UP. To have a real life, not this college bullshit. This isn't the real life.

alright sweet

I'm fuckin up big time.

1. school is shitting

2. hand is second degree burnt (again, thank you Joey for making me go to the doctor)

3. stress is building

4. money is low.

life rules.....

This weekend was probably the best evarrrrrr. Nathan came to visit me and stayed all weekend. Friday we saw 2012. I kinda didn't want to because, you know, that shits hella depressing to think about, but it was actually a really good movie. When we weren't stealing kisses, I found myself on the edge of my seat wondering what would happen and if they would make it and how the world would end. I would greatly recommend it, it's worth the $16 I paid for us to see it.

Saturday morning we woke up and went to get our futures read. Let me say, with one good purchase, we had to have a bad one. The $20 he paid were a complete waste. Ginger, our psychic, was of course very vague and nowhere near on point with anything going on in our lives. She said all the things people typically go through in their lives, i.e. job decisions, relationship decisions, health problems, etc etc. I racked my brain trying to figure out how to relate it to myself so that it wasn't a complete waste with no luck. I just want to say to Ginger, yo girl, you don't know shit. After that we went to Target, bought $30 in movies (How the Grinch Stole Christmas with Jim Carrey was my gold purchase) and had a movie night/cuddlefest.

Sunday we woke up and went walking around Richmond. He brought his camera and got some sweet shots of us and of Richmond. I didn't even try, he blows me out of the water with how much better he is than me. We then went to Starbucks then went home and watched more movies. We are the laziest couple of all time.

Movie theatre: $16

Psychic reading: $20

DVDs: $30

Spending the weekend with someone you care about: priceless.

Did I mention that we have a contest to see who could be cheesier/cuter? I got 2 points for that one.

I'm really upset the hit my education is taking. I hate that I got last pick of classes/teachers for this semester. Its really discouraging for my first semester at a new school. I really wish I Was a better student and had better teachers and knew what I wanted to do with my future. So aggravated.

This weekend should rule, if everything goes right. Tomorrow I'm driving back to Virginia Beach with Diana. Then hanging out with Nathan, which I'm super excited about. Saturday I'm taking Brittney to get her first tattoo. I think I'm more excited than she is. She's getting a quote from her favourite book on her ribs. She's probably gonna be in a lot of pain, but I know she'll be happy with it.

Today is taking forever to get over with. I just want tomorrow to be here RIGHT NOW.

Finally

I finally look like myself today. Its weird how a simple hair cut can affect your mood and how you feel about yourself. Ever since I cut my hair a few months ago I felt like a totally different person. Now that my hairs grown out and I see the person I'm used to when I look in the mirror I feel much better. Its stupid, but a relief.

My usual mode of escape is sleep. But when what I'm trying to escape is constantly appearing in my dreams its pointless.

I hate that you're in my dreams. As if I don't think about you enough while I'm conscious, you have to find your way into my subconscious. This always happens.

"stealing happiness from loneliness is not a simple theft"

"Never let them see you care. That'll just give them a chance to fuck you over"

I swear, my mom gives the hardest advice out. She's been telling me this since I was thirteen. I should really listen to her.

I need to concentrate on school. STRAIGHT A'S PLEASE, THANKS.

The Postal Service really got me through last winter like a champ. I could listen to it all day, every day with out getting bored. I predict it doing the same for me this year.

Everyone knows this is a tough day for me. Everyone knows this is something I struggle with daily. The one year was just as hard as I thought it was going to be. I don't want to write much, but I just want people to know how amazing he was. The article below is something his school did after. Every word about him is true. He really was amazing. RIP JTM. 4/1/91 - 10/3/08

Weekend Home

Its my first weekend home in two weeks or so and I'm thoroughly enjoying it. Last night I hung out witha friend and it was like I never left. Today it was Georgina's Birthday. I know at least 1/4 of my readers (and by that I mean one of you) have seen the picture of Georgie up now.

Exploiting my sister for teh lolz is horrible, I know but I just couldn't resist. I bought the shirt at Rumours about a two weeks ago and thought it was a sweet find. When I put it on I realized it was an awkward fit and that "holy shit, this is so small, it could fit George." And from then on I planned on taking this picture.

We went to Disney on Ice for her Birthday which was really quite cool. I took my camera and lemme tell you.... I AM A N00B. I have some great shots but so much blur happened.

And to top this weekend off I hung out with an amazing person and took pictures of Norfolk. I had a great night and feel really good right now.

Yea.

Draft found.

I took pictures today. Richmond weather is throwing me back and forth. I don't know wether to wear jeans and prepare for rain or wear shorts and sweat like crazy. But since today was the latter, I decided to take advantage of the pretty city I now reside.
These ones were my favourite. I really love messing with the focus of pictures. Finding the glass outside was just lucky.


I found this draft that I forgot to post a few days ago. Here it is and some of the pictures I took that day.

I ended up going to the Down to Nothing show after debating for hours about going or not. I'm so happy I went. My roommate, who has never really gone to a hardcore show before, went with me, and I'm really happy she had a good time. She was shocked by all the people mashin it up.

Probably the most outrageous thing to happen of the night was the strip show, which I think will go down as one of the funniest most amazing things I've ever seen at a show. Some guy with Get Real (not in, just with) was trying to kill time before the vocalist got back or something. Something of the sort. So he tells them to put on sexy music and he'll do a strip tease. So they put it on and he starts dancing and taking off his shirt and then his pants. I thought he would stop after then but no, he kept on going. He took off his boxers, threw them in the crowd and continued dancing. He even did some front flips and stuff. People from the balcony and around the stage started throwing money at him. I have never seen and probably will never see anything like that at a show ever again.

Anyways, tonight was good. I'm happy I stayed in Richmond this weekend, and happy I went to the show.

Though I do realize that I love everyone from VB and shows in VB just as much if not more than Richmond. All the people I knew from Richmond didn't really talk to me. I got a wave from someone and that was it. It sucks that I can't broaden but being here the last couple of weeks has made me realize that I belong in VB and I love the people so much there.

VCU is doing something in honor of The National Suicide Prevention Week (which is this week, the sixth through the twelve) and I missed it. I hate that they didn't notify until this morning. If I had read that email yesterday, I would've definitely made it.

JT's mom responded to me in regard to my dream (blogged about several posts ago). She said that she believed it was JT's destiny, just as my mom had told me. Even hearing it from his own mother, I refuse to believe it. He was an amazing, kind and happy person. There's no way the destiny of such a great person was to leave us all before he even got to experience life.

I see pictures and miss him. I still think about him every day, and the effect he's made on everyone. I just don't want him to go.

It'll be one year on October third. I don't know how I'll react on that day.

I think the flashiness of a new city is starting to wear off on me already. I like it here, I do, but it's not exactly what I thought it would be. One thing I was stoked about was possibly meeting more kids that are edge and who take it seriously like I do, but I've been to more "parties" than I've hung out with edge kids.

A few days ago I read an interview with Pat Flynn. It was a really good interview that I just wanted to share. It helped me gain even more respect for him. I was obviously bummed about the break up just like any other fan but the interview brought contentment with it. I'm just stoked about the 7" that I didn't know about.

Also, listening to him talk about straight edge made me proud to feel very similar. Obviously, not exactly the same for reasoning. Every person has their reasons. But I feel happy that some people take it seriously.

In all honesty, the biggest reason for me to go to VCU was that it just felt right. My gut was telling me to. And while that may seem like a stupid reason to some for such a big decision, that seems like a perfectly acceptable reason to me. I feel at home (t)here. when I walk to class I'm not feeling wrong like when I was going to TCC (could also be for other reasons but I'm attributing it to not being right). My apartment feels like home. Hanging with Joey feels right. Even my anxiety is considerably less. Hanging with newish people isn't as big a deal as it usually is. I'm not freaking out and trying to avoid hanging out like I usually do. I can't explain why this is, nor do I know why, but thats it.

I'm currently in North Carolina for the weekend with my family. I can't wait to get back to school. Lets just hope it never rains ever again.

The moving process was fun and stressful and still not done. I moved all of my big stuff in like chairs, love seat and my bed. I still need to move a desk and all of my clothes. Its all so stressful, I feel like I'll forget stuff.

My mom and I did a lot as well. After this weekend I really appreciate all she does for me. She helped me move in, she cleaned the entire apartment, she helped me with classes and financial aid stuff and everything. When I think about if I had to do all of this by myself, I'm sure I would fail at it all. I don't know how some of my friends do it.

Its exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I cannot wait for it to begin.

. Things are going great for me, but for some reason I still feel off. I just keep complaining and searching for things to whine about. I don't know why I do these things to myself. I think as a pessimist, I just expect everything to be bad. Because, if they're good, its a nice surprise. But if they're bad... well, you weren't really let down.

. The rain was crazy today. I felt the typical disdain for it. I hate the rain because it makes me feel so greasy and uncomfortable. But today... the thunderstorm was crazy. I hung out with Alec and Nicklaus today. We then met up with Kurt and Shane for a little and headed over to Wawa. While we sat out front of Wawa listening to the homeless man's stories, the storm took off. The lightning lit up the sky like the sun. It was so bright with purple-pink light. I never pay attention to storms, since I hate them so much, but this one I noticed. There was one thunder that scared me so much I screamed. I felt the thud in my chest. It was the loudest thunder I've heard in my nineteen years.

. Another thing that should take me back to Thankful town: the homeless man. Listening to him talk about being in jail and living on the streets was interesting. I hated seeing that he bought beer and cigarettes with his money though. I wish he would spend the money sympathetic people give him on food or maybe save it for his future. But still. It kinda makes me happy about my life. For the simple and obvious fact that I'm not homeless. That I have an education, and am continuing to gain it. That I will never have to be in his shoes.

. Finally. I cut my hair. I dislike it, of course. I want my long hair back. WHEN WILL I LEARN?!

This is the most amazing thing I've seen in a long time. I truly appreciate portraits. I'm a closet portrait drawer myself. Very few people have seen what I have done. I hate showing it to people because I think I suck. But then I love when people tell me they like it. I don't know, maybe I'll post or something. Once I get the camera I want, that is.

. Its my birthday today (Blogspot says is still the twenty-sixth. It lies).

. Busch Gardens with Ryan, Brian and Rachel.

. Massage with Rachel Tuesday (thanks Steven).

. Hot yoga Wednesday with Susan.

. Joey's coming now.

. WHERE CAN I SIGN?!

. Nose pierced. Again.

. So happy you remembered and called.

. Last day of work is the fourth (cannot wait).

. Moving in the ninth?

. Orientation the tenth.

. So much going on, so happy for the change.

"Everything Will Change"

There are days when I'm so happy that statement is true, and wish it would happen as soon as possible. Then there are days when I wish things would go back to where they were before. I'm never satisfied with the way things are. I want everything to be my way, all the time. I'm greedy I suppose. But I don't see that as a bad thing, nor do I see it as weird.

I just want to be content with everything.

Of course, with some thing falling into place, others must fall out.

I want to quote the conversation from Veronica Mars between Logan and Veronica. I know the exact season, disk, episode (Season two, disk five, episode four). No one knows what I'm talking about, but I think of [the] story as epic.

I've been so lost with out my macbook, and my poor little blog has gone so unloved.

So much has happened recently. Everyone already knows I got into VCU. It's slightly ironic that I got in when I was in one of those moods, as last post explains. But I'm still very excited. The other emotion I'm feeling too much of is of course anxiety. I have been so close to freaking out the past couple of weeks its slightly ridiculous. I haven't felt this much anxiety in I don't know how long. I'm so scared. I'm scared of not having a place to live (which is a HUGE possibility right now), I'm scared of being on my own, I'm scared of meeting all kinds of new people. I'm scared. I'm scared of messing up everything I worked so hard to get. I'm scared of failing at it miserably and having to come back home. I'm just scared of the future. Its so weird to think that I'm going to be away from home. Since my parents were so strict and sheltering when I was a kid, I'm so used to having them do everything for me. Its going to be weird.

One ginormous perk of going away? No more Cold Stone! I'm so ready to quit my job. The two and a half years I've put into that place are finally coming to an end. I'm happy and sad. I'm happy, because of obvious reasons. I was so frustrated and bored with my job for a while there, so to be able to leave is rewarding. But I'm sad because I'm leaving some people I love. Ever since Ryan and Brian have worked there its been different. Brian still frustrates me like crazy but its better to have him working than some of the other kids. And then Ryan and I hang out so much more now. I love it. I'm also going to miss a few people. Some are leaving for school too, and some have already moved away, but its still going to be weird and sad. Also, Forever 21 called me this morning looking to either give me an interview or give me a job. I unfortunately had to turn it down because of school but told her I'd love to work there during holidays. She put my application in a folder and said to just turn in another application and she'd know. So I think I already might have another job lined up? Stuff is just falling into place.

I have an appointment to see an apartment in Richmond on Saturday. Hopefully this just falls into place as well.

So its been a complicated week or so.

I've been working a lot lately, though recently I have taken several days off for myself. Last Sunday I started working then consecutively worked 6 days. One of which was a ten hour shift. It was horrible and I never want to do it again, but I am excited to see my paycheck this upcoming week. I need money for the tattoo I want and for general saving purposes.

I took some days off to go to Richmond to hang out with some people. Erin and I tried to go on Monday I think it was but once we got there Erin wasn't feeling well so we went home. I was bummed but I didn't want her to feel badly. We made plans to go today and yesterday but Erin's sister had her appendix taken out yesterday and today I just don't think its happening. Which bums me out but whatever.

I'm in one of those moods where I really, really want to get into VCU. I think its the want of something new, which is rare for me. I'm very much against change, usually. So when I get in these moods of wanting VCU and Richmond I feel very weird. I think its just that I've done everything in Virginia Beach. I've met all the people I consider worth meeting, and then some I would rather not have met. I've done all of the things that could possibly be fun a million times over. I'm just so bored of this city and would like to have fun in another setting, hopefully with more people like myself. I know thats a hard thing to find, someone like myself. But I'm willing to look. 

Also, I highly recommend going putt putt golfing. Just don't talk a lot of shit before you go, then get beat miserably like I did.

u spek greek?

So recently I've decided that I am horrible at being Greek.

The other night, my mom, sister and I were hanging out in my mom's room. My mom was saying things in Greek and I was responding to her questions (in English) and my sister was like, "uh wut?" It kinda made me proud to be able to understand her, but disappointed that I couldn't speak the language myself.

Which brought me to the conclusion that I must become better at this. I've decided to take classes or something, or learn on my own. I want to get those Rosetta Stone things, but I hear they're expensive and I really need to start being stingy with my money. So maybe my mom will teach me, or maybe I'll dish out mad dough. But either way, I'll be more in touch with my heritage. And another perk, my yia-yia will be so excited to hear me speak to her in Greek. Thats something I'm excited for. 

When I was younger, I thought death wasn't a big deal. I had lost my Papu and Great Grandma, and it had no affect on my life. I didn't think anything of it. I saw how my mom cried over her dad, and I felt bad, but only because my mom was crying and because my mom was sad.

But then JT died. It happened back in October and still hurts so much. I had a dream last night about him. I was at a school with JT and the classroom kept changing but we were always together. I tried to stop and talk to him about not doing this, I tried to save him. But every time I went to talk to him, something would happen. I got so close so many times. And then, in the dream, I got kicked out of school. I waited at his house (which isn't his house in real life) for him to come home. Then his brother (that he doesn't really have) came home and I asked him to find JT for me so I could talk to him. That it was an emergency. But he just ignored me. I finally broke down and cried. And I woke up, and began crying. Just to dream about him, to have him there in front of me (even if it wasn't really real) hurt so badly, and was such a tease for the real thing, the amazing boy I once knew. I just wanted to stop him from doing this. I constantly wonder why. He doesn't leave my mind for more than a few hours at a time. And even if I'm not thinking about him at that moment, he's lingering in the back of my mind, waiting to pop up. To either make me laugh at the jokes or to mourn the loss.

I was crying so hard that my mom came in my room to comfort me. She tried to say that my dream was my mind saying that it meant this was his destiny, that nothing I could've done would've saved him. I can't believe that to be true. It isn't true.

Suicide is probably the most painful way to lose someone. He did this to himself, he could've been stopped. Something in his life made him feel that this was necessary. And being a part of his life, you feel like it was your responsibility to help him see that he was the most amazing person any of us have ever known. I know I would've done anything to save him, and the same goes for everyone he knew.

Every so often I get in this funk where he's all I think about, and I can't help but cry and wish I could save him. Its such a shame that all these horrible people live in this world, but someone who was so nice to everyone he knew had to leave. I sometimes wish I could talk to him and tell him he's loved, but I can't. Its so hard to keep these things contained, I suppose thats why I'm writing about him now. Just to let it all out.

April 4, 1991 - October 3, 2008.

Hope

I've been getting fed up with my job lately. I feel like I do a lot of work there, for just a little bit of pay. So I've filled out applications and turned them in. I've applied to Uno's, Buffalo Wild Wings, For Love 21, Forever 21, and Charlotte Rouse. I think I have the best possibility at Uno's, due to the response of the General Manager when I came in.

After being in the same place for over two years, I feel like a change is really needed, and a more mature job will be good for me. As much as I love (most) of the people at Cold Stone, I think I need to move on. Hopefully someone shows some interest in my application and I hear back.

I know how to make an impression.

I ended up going to the show tonight, it was kind of ridiculous.

So, Erin and I had some odd luck. Erin's was completely bad. Tonight we were sitting on a bench at Gil's and her phone fell out of her pocket. We went to sit in the booth and not even five minutes later she realized she dropped it, we went over and someone had stolen it. We searched for whoever had it with no luck.

My luck.... I guess it was bad too. Funny even. Erin and I were sitting on that bench talking when a guy comes up to me and asks if I could scoot over so he could sit next to me. I do, and we were all talking. Then his friend comes over. They ask me who I came to see tonight. I said Vice Grip. They then asked who else, and I said Pushing On. Then they asked me who thats not local. My answer, "Energy's pretty good, not the Mongoloids, I think they suck."

Ironically, I was talking to the vocalist from the Mongoloids.

And if that wasn't enough, he decided to call me out during their set. I thought it was funny. I must admit though, for his vocals bugging me, they put on a really, really good show. I was impressed.

The show also had its share of fights after that, what now seems to be the norm for shows. Besides Erin losing her phone and she and I being called out the night was pretty good. I'm happy she asked me to go with her.

"Everyone needs to just chill out and listen to H2O"

p.s. hurry up kids, edge break soon. It was only for fun, for a little while. Right?

I don't really wanna go out, but I don't really wanna stay in.

I wanna do something, but I don't wanna get up.

I'll just draw.

I used to draw ALL THE TIME when I was younger. My sketch book has a few of my favourite pictures I've ever drawn. But the time where I drew the most the last couple of years was when I went to Greece, and since then, I haven't really drawn a lot.

But of course I have to be vain. My most recent drawings (the ones that don't look like complete crap) are the ones of myself. Myself from my childhood. The picture I'm currently sketching is one of me and Thomas, right after I got him. This was over 10 years ago. Around October of '98. The other, which I don't have a picture of right now, is from some where around '94-'98.

The point of the story is that if I be lazy enough, after a while I'll get my skill back. Even just for one picture.

I feel

Some of you slipping away. I have a feeling that once school ends, one friendship will drift away, pretty quickly.

Another, I think that just because we see each other at work now, you will think thats enough. As well as your clingy, yet very nice, girlfriend consumes every second of your fucking life. You know how I feel about this.

And others, you have your own life, I've seen this one slipping for a while now.

Thats three. Three of the people that I've felt close to.

Elina will always be close to me. Though of course, there's been some slipping with the distance, but she's keeping better contact than you, and will continue to do so, I know. If she were here, I feel like I wouldn't feel so lonely at times. I wouldn't feel like people were slipping.

I always stress so much over assignments, typically papers. I really am good at writing papers. I just suck at starting and getting into it. I've seriously been trying to write this paper for a week now. But here I am, 1 a.m. and on page five out of the requited seven, and barely half way finished. I see my paper coming out at nine pages, maybe ten. I thought I was going to have nothing to say or nothing to write about. But it appears that I am unable to stop typing and putting in facts.

I can't necessarily say that its a bad thing. I want an A in this class. I believe I'll have at least a B (but as said, hopefully an A), an A in Business Law, and maybe a high C in Oceanography or a B (I need to remember to study for it, its not as easy as everyone says). The only class I'm really worried about is math. This is the second time I'm taking this class and I still worry. I have done solid so far. I think a C right now. I'm just worried about the final. Its accumulative of the semester and I suck at those kind of tests. 

Either way. I'm very proud of myself. This semester is much better than last. I have less anxiety (regarding to my academics at least) and my grades are looking sharper. Granted, I have had a lot less... bad stuff happening to me, but still... Very proud, but very very ready to be done.

SUMMER HERE I COME!

The Scarlet Ibis is the one story from school that really touched my heart. When I first read it, I nearly cried. It gets me to this day. It makes me appreciate my siblings. It makes me want to go find my sister and hug her so tightly she can't breathe, then laughs and tells me to let her go. I love her, and as it annoys me to admit, Brian as well.

I'm not so cold deep down.

It annoys me

When people say "what? What? WHAT?", causing me to repeat myself and get louder with each repetition. Then, when I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, they tell me to stop yelling at them. OPEN YOUR FUCKING EARS THEN. asuefhga;ighuaseor;fkmakjg. People really know my pet peeves, and do nothing to avoid them. Trying to write this paper, as I have been for the past week.

FF

I used to have Peter Pan type feelings. Now, I just wanna fast forward through the next few years. I wanna fast forward to when I've gotten my education, I've figured out what I want to do with my life, have a job/career and I'm stable. I wanna be independent. Capable of taking care of myself and paying all my own bills. Being independent just sounds so appealing.

Its very frustrating not having any of those things. I suppose you could call me a control freak. I want everything to be just right. To be perfect for me. To be set. Being dependent on someone makes things hard to control. What if that person can't take care of you anymore? What if that person changes things and it isn't what you want? I suppose beggers can't be choosers... but I'd rather not be a begger.

I love my parents for all they've given me. But I really want to get started on my own life.

I'm starting to feel much better. I'm content right now. There are two things I see as the reasons for change. One being me letting go, and the other being Ryan. I've seen him more and more lately, and this makes me very happy.

I got Ryan a job at Cold Stone (as well as Brian, my brother). Ryan's had the job for a week but we didn't work together til recently. We destroyed it in one night. Ryan broke the stone water and I broke the register (I think). If Terry was worried about us goofing around, she should be more worried by our combined skills in destruction. As if I haven't been successfully breaking things on my own in the store for the past two years, she's adding a partner in crime to the mix.

But in all seriousness, I was there from seven til twelve. I didn't even see the time go by. Working with him is what I always thought it would be: fun. Ryan is one of the few people that I feel completely and 100% myself around. One of the few I show my real self to. Now he's in the place where I'm most in my element, which makes it even better.

I'm actually quite proud of myself. Though the reason I'm proud is more because I was confused. A customer got an attitude with Ryan today (an unnecessary and ridiculous attitude) and I didn't defend him and yell at her. As I said, I really didn't know what was going on, but usually, if someone said anything to him (or Danielle) I would've gotten so protective and snapped on them. I can't count how many times they've had people say shit to them and I jump in. I can't count how many times I've been threatened by people to get my ass beat for defending them. 

I love my best friend. Its been nine years and I don't see us growing apart anytime soon, for anything.

Anger hate anger hate.

I really got annoyed earlier. The comments of two friends really pissed me off.

I hate when kids say, "I'm straight edge now" or "I'm kinda straight edge. I don't do drugs, but I drink" or "I'm straight edge during the week but not on weekends"

It doesn't work that way. Listen to me when I tell you it doesn't work that way.

I may not be the most "hardcore straight edge" kid out there, or the most knowledgeable or militant of the scene, but I know what I'm talking about and this means a lot to me. Straight edge isn't about that stupid shit. Its not just a temporary or a kinda thing. Its not about doing it for appearances. Its doing what's right for you, and living your life clean.

How dare you criticize me. "I don't get it. It makes no sense."

I don't want to live my life like you. You ruined your life. Your future is down the drain. You've let drugs and alcohol rule your life. Your grades and education are shit, your relationships are shit, your health is shit, your future is shit. What is it to get? I want to live my life free of damaging things. I don't want to get lost like you. I can be happy and have fun with out these things. You're the reason why this means so much to me.

I seem to post more and more lately. I don't see this as a good thing.

The difference between me and the rest of you, is that you love to hate. Hating is as much a part of your life as breathing, and you love the way the emotion feels. I may hate, but I'd do anything to love, anything to stop being pissed off at the world, anything to be content.

This day is supposed to be a day of laughter and jokes.

Today is JT's birthday. Happy Birthday JT! He would've been 18 today. Its so hard to think back to that time, and its so hard to think that he won't be able to experience this milestone in his life. Your 18th is you becoming an adult. Moving into a new time in your life. I really wish he would've stuck through, I wish he would've talked to someone. I wish he could see how much of an effect this would have on everyone around him.

Also, Jamie is moving. Jamie and I started Cold Stone two weeks apart. We've been together for a while, she's like family. That's what Cold Stone is for me. That's what it is for all of us. It's gonna be weird to not see her every day at work, or go out randomly with her.

Not a day for laughs.

I had a big day today.

It all sounds like normal things. But different today. I took a history test today. I finally took a test where I didn't feel completely unprepared and unknowledgeable. It felt so good. It motivated me. I hope I can keep it up and hopefully improve my attention skills. Its kind of annoying that I cannot keep my mind concentrated on school things.

Hanging out was an event. It started out as a Best Friend Day with me and Danielle. Then me, Danielle, Ryan and Meighan. Then Danielle couldn't make it. It was kind of annoying the way things went down. It hasn't been the three of us having fun together in so long. I love them both more than anything, but its so disheartening that we can't even get together like we used to. Last time I hung out with Ryan, it was back in like, late January or early February, judging by the time frame of me getting my tattoo. Last time I hung out with Danielle I was trying to stop her and Claudia from fighting. I just miss being close to people. Its never that way anymore.

Getting emotional is not a thing I do lately, or so I think, and somehow I was caught twice. I usually try to keep pretty mellow and placid. But oddly enough, a t.v. show got me riled up. What Would You Do? is the title and its a hidden camera show where actors do weird, criminal, and/or outrageous things just to see what people would do or how they would react. It gives me little hope for people. There are very few people in the scenes that act in a logical and sensible way. Maybe its staged and I was getting upset for nothing, but I still find myself losing hope in people over a show.

The other thing that got me was going to the SPCA today. I want a cat so badly. Being there and seeing loving, friendly and cute cats in cages made me upset. I hate my parents for not letting me give one a home. I don't mean to replace Thomas or to fill a void, but I could give an animal love and a home and not just let them rot away in cages at the SPCA. I suppose I do have quite a big soft spot for animals, cats even more, but I don't think I'm being too irrational.

Finally, thought up a tattoo idea. This might sound dumb to me in the morning but right now I love the idea. I want to get a gardenia to start. Then, around it, I want other Greek themed things. Being Greek is a part of me, it always has been. And Gardenias are my favourite flowers, the smell is intoxicating and brings memories to the forefront of my mind. Just one deep inhale and I imagine myself walking in the streets of Greece around my Yia-yia's home. And as said, being Greek is a big part of me. I'm ashamed to say that I don't speak Greek very well, but it still means a lot to me. I love the country and my background. And I think this is something my mom will be proud of, which is a nice bonus.

So many thoughts.

Coming from Livejournal:

http://ksquaredd.livejournal.com

To begin, I cannot wait til summer. I wanna get on a plastic blow up floaty, pop in my head phones and flow out to sea. I'll be back in time for next semester. Summer weather makes everything so much better. Your spirits are uplifted and your body just feels so free and warm. Its my favourite time of the year for the simple fact of the weather. I could be in school in the summer and still be happy (to a degree). I cannot wait.

Very tired of feeling sick all the time.