I feel

Some of you slipping away. I have a feeling that once school ends, one friendship will drift away, pretty quickly.

Another, I think that just because we see each other at work now, you will think thats enough. As well as your clingy, yet very nice, girlfriend consumes every second of your fucking life. You know how I feel about this.

And others, you have your own life, I've seen this one slipping for a while now.

Thats three. Three of the people that I've felt close to.

Elina will always be close to me. Though of course, there's been some slipping with the distance, but she's keeping better contact than you, and will continue to do so, I know. If she were here, I feel like I wouldn't feel so lonely at times. I wouldn't feel like people were slipping.

I always stress so much over assignments, typically papers. I really am good at writing papers. I just suck at starting and getting into it. I've seriously been trying to write this paper for a week now. But here I am, 1 a.m. and on page five out of the requited seven, and barely half way finished. I see my paper coming out at nine pages, maybe ten. I thought I was going to have nothing to say or nothing to write about. But it appears that I am unable to stop typing and putting in facts.

I can't necessarily say that its a bad thing. I want an A in this class. I believe I'll have at least a B (but as said, hopefully an A), an A in Business Law, and maybe a high C in Oceanography or a B (I need to remember to study for it, its not as easy as everyone says). The only class I'm really worried about is math. This is the second time I'm taking this class and I still worry. I have done solid so far. I think a C right now. I'm just worried about the final. Its accumulative of the semester and I suck at those kind of tests. 

Either way. I'm very proud of myself. This semester is much better than last. I have less anxiety (regarding to my academics at least) and my grades are looking sharper. Granted, I have had a lot less... bad stuff happening to me, but still... Very proud, but very very ready to be done.

SUMMER HERE I COME!

The Scarlet Ibis is the one story from school that really touched my heart. When I first read it, I nearly cried. It gets me to this day. It makes me appreciate my siblings. It makes me want to go find my sister and hug her so tightly she can't breathe, then laughs and tells me to let her go. I love her, and as it annoys me to admit, Brian as well.

I'm not so cold deep down.

It annoys me

When people say "what? What? WHAT?", causing me to repeat myself and get louder with each repetition. Then, when I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, they tell me to stop yelling at them. OPEN YOUR FUCKING EARS THEN. asuefhga;ighuaseor;fkmakjg. People really know my pet peeves, and do nothing to avoid them. Trying to write this paper, as I have been for the past week.

FF

I used to have Peter Pan type feelings. Now, I just wanna fast forward through the next few years. I wanna fast forward to when I've gotten my education, I've figured out what I want to do with my life, have a job/career and I'm stable. I wanna be independent. Capable of taking care of myself and paying all my own bills. Being independent just sounds so appealing.

Its very frustrating not having any of those things. I suppose you could call me a control freak. I want everything to be just right. To be perfect for me. To be set. Being dependent on someone makes things hard to control. What if that person can't take care of you anymore? What if that person changes things and it isn't what you want? I suppose beggers can't be choosers... but I'd rather not be a begger.

I love my parents for all they've given me. But I really want to get started on my own life.

I'm starting to feel much better. I'm content right now. There are two things I see as the reasons for change. One being me letting go, and the other being Ryan. I've seen him more and more lately, and this makes me very happy.

I got Ryan a job at Cold Stone (as well as Brian, my brother). Ryan's had the job for a week but we didn't work together til recently. We destroyed it in one night. Ryan broke the stone water and I broke the register (I think). If Terry was worried about us goofing around, she should be more worried by our combined skills in destruction. As if I haven't been successfully breaking things on my own in the store for the past two years, she's adding a partner in crime to the mix.

But in all seriousness, I was there from seven til twelve. I didn't even see the time go by. Working with him is what I always thought it would be: fun. Ryan is one of the few people that I feel completely and 100% myself around. One of the few I show my real self to. Now he's in the place where I'm most in my element, which makes it even better.

I'm actually quite proud of myself. Though the reason I'm proud is more because I was confused. A customer got an attitude with Ryan today (an unnecessary and ridiculous attitude) and I didn't defend him and yell at her. As I said, I really didn't know what was going on, but usually, if someone said anything to him (or Danielle) I would've gotten so protective and snapped on them. I can't count how many times they've had people say shit to them and I jump in. I can't count how many times I've been threatened by people to get my ass beat for defending them. 

I love my best friend. Its been nine years and I don't see us growing apart anytime soon, for anything.

Anger hate anger hate.

I really got annoyed earlier. The comments of two friends really pissed me off.

I hate when kids say, "I'm straight edge now" or "I'm kinda straight edge. I don't do drugs, but I drink" or "I'm straight edge during the week but not on weekends"

It doesn't work that way. Listen to me when I tell you it doesn't work that way.

I may not be the most "hardcore straight edge" kid out there, or the most knowledgeable or militant of the scene, but I know what I'm talking about and this means a lot to me. Straight edge isn't about that stupid shit. Its not just a temporary or a kinda thing. Its not about doing it for appearances. Its doing what's right for you, and living your life clean.

How dare you criticize me. "I don't get it. It makes no sense."

I don't want to live my life like you. You ruined your life. Your future is down the drain. You've let drugs and alcohol rule your life. Your grades and education are shit, your relationships are shit, your health is shit, your future is shit. What is it to get? I want to live my life free of damaging things. I don't want to get lost like you. I can be happy and have fun with out these things. You're the reason why this means so much to me.

I seem to post more and more lately. I don't see this as a good thing.

The difference between me and the rest of you, is that you love to hate. Hating is as much a part of your life as breathing, and you love the way the emotion feels. I may hate, but I'd do anything to love, anything to stop being pissed off at the world, anything to be content.

This day is supposed to be a day of laughter and jokes.

Today is JT's birthday. Happy Birthday JT! He would've been 18 today. Its so hard to think back to that time, and its so hard to think that he won't be able to experience this milestone in his life. Your 18th is you becoming an adult. Moving into a new time in your life. I really wish he would've stuck through, I wish he would've talked to someone. I wish he could see how much of an effect this would have on everyone around him.

Also, Jamie is moving. Jamie and I started Cold Stone two weeks apart. We've been together for a while, she's like family. That's what Cold Stone is for me. That's what it is for all of us. It's gonna be weird to not see her every day at work, or go out randomly with her.

Not a day for laughs.